Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Bittersweet


Winter in Florida
The month of February is bittersweet for me and my family. On one hand, beautiful, wonderful things have happened: Lindsey's birth. 

Mom, Lindsey & Kristyn
Me and Chip reconnecting and then "tying the knot" with our handfasting. 

February 29, 2012 ~ Handfasting on the Beach
On the other hand, it was the month in which we lost my Mom to cancer.  It's been five years since she was taken from us, and some days it still feels as fresh and raw as the first. 

Last Photo of Mom & her Girls
I've found myself at loose ends, without motivation or direction or even energy.  I putter around the house, doing small chores, the most basic tasks to keep myself and my home presentable, but my heart isn't in it.  I feel more than a touch of melancholy, restless yet exhausted at the same time. 

It doesn't help that we are in limbo, either. We're planning a move, have found a new home and awaiting a firm closing date, which is of course wonderful and exciting but also scary and tumultuous.  I've begun to pack up some things, little by little, and in the process sort through my emotions along with my belongings. We have another month here, more or less, expect to be settled in by Ostara, March 20th, another very significant date for me. 

So, what does this all have to do with veganism? Or fitness? Or even, really, travel? Not much.  The only impact, the only connection to the subject matter of this blog is the emotional toll it takes on me, and how I choose to handle these feelings. Do I stuff them down with food, as I have done so often it he past, or do I let them rise to the surface and deal. Of course, the former is the easiest, the most comfortable, what I'm accustomed to, but we all know where that leads. Binge. Guilt. Shame. Repeat.
I'd like to try the other way this time, and so far, at least for the past two weeks, I've succeeded.  Even throughout horrible hormonal cravings and emotional outbursts, I've kept my eating (mostly) under control.  I haven't lost weight, but I haven't gained either.  I'm holding on, staying the course. Maybe because I'm just sitting quietly, not forcing myself to do anything but feel the pain, sadness, hope, and other range of emotions, I'm working through them.  Perhaps instead of just covering them up and forcing myself to get up and do something, I should just continue to be still and see what happens. Do what I'm doing. Reading. Writing. Walking. Cat Cuddling. Dog Petting. Crying, just a little. Laughing. Remembering. Longing. I've realized that some mindsets, perhaps some relationships, need to "die" before I can move on to the next phase of my life. Maybe they don't need to be packed up, they should be left right here, buried along with the sad memories of this house. I'll pack up only the happy, healthy ones. More to ponder..time to do so.

Moving on to practical matters, I haven't planned a menu for this week, am just winging it as I go along.  Last night Chip had frozen pizza and I ate an Amy's meal.  Tonight it's probably going to be tacos.  Simple. Minimal mess. No fuss, allowing more time for packing, processing, feeling..and, hopefully, finding a happier place inside my head. 

Thanks for "listening."

 








4 comments:

  1. Although I rarely comment, you know I am always reading and usually nodding my head along with what you're saying. I really just wanted to pop my head out and give you a big virtual hug. I sure wish we lived closer to each other because I know we would be steadfast and inseparable friends :) Just know that I'm here if/when you need to talk and/or vent. I love you girl!

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    1. Thank you, Laura, I felt that cyber-hug across the miles! Your words of support and friendship mean the world to me, thank you. xoxo

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  2. Hi Michele, The last time I moved, I had read a book a few weeks before the move that said--we worry about the unknown, but forget that it's often so much better than we imagine. Often, even fantastic. I went into all of that unknown thinking positively. And it was a wonderful move--where we currently live is a better place for us, even though I was resentful of leaving my last home. So have faith. <3

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    1. Marion, thank you so much for your reply. I *know* this is a better move, no doubt about it, but it's unsettling to leave a place I've been for almost 16 years, you know? It stirs up a lot of memories, some good, some not so much. I'm ready for it to be over already, just pack up and get outta here! ;)

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